VTS.

At post-work drinks today, me and a team of ‘experts’ have come up with the theory/metaphor/random musing that will change the world. It will alter the way society works. Yes, we had been drinking. But the alcohol in our blood heightened our senses, if you will.

Sex is the equivalent of ice cream – it can be very yummy, it can have different flavours, and sometimes it can be too cold and give you a brain freeze.

The spearhead of this amazing breakthrough is the notion of VTS. In laymans terms (to you uneducated peoples), VTS stands for Vanilla Theatre Sex. Now, I understand how this might not seem clear right now, but fret not. Enlightenment follows.

Vanilla Theatre Sex 1.0

Who doesn’t love vanilla ice cream? Everybody loves a bit of vanilla. But sometimes it gets boring. The same applies for economy sex, also known as ’sex-lite’. However, it has been unanimously decided that vanilla ice cream at a theatre is always good. Always yummy, always creamy, always worth it. In this (odd) metaphor, ‘theatre’ stands for the simultaneous expression of joy between two lovers. It is pleasurable, just like VTS. It’s not too different from original vanilla ice cream/economy sex, but there is an added bonus of amazingness that is quite unexplainable.

VTS is possibly the best. VTS is life.

Use it in a sentence, spread the word of VTS. Have VTS. Film VTS. Eat VTS. Whack VTS into your vocab, and maybe you can experience it yourself. Oh yeah.

X-treme.

I just figured that I’d get a word in here and give my valued opinion of tonight’s X Factor. You all care. I know you do.

The best performance tonight was easily Danyl Johnson…rather annoyed we had to wait until the very end of the show, but it was worth it. Ignoring Dannii’s snide comment, the feedback was brilliant, of course.

Danyl

Oh Danyl, you changed my life. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bi or alien, I love you.

The best of the rest included Jamie Afro, Miss Stacey Dagenham, Lucie Jones and Joe South Shields. I was, however, impressed by Kandy Rain. They can sing, but they did look like messed up Lady GaGa hookers. Were they trying to pole dance on those mic stands? I could almost see labia and nipple.

Quote of the night came from Robbie [sex god] Williams, about John and Edward: ‘They are like a tornado of talk!’ Just a touch. I’d like to throw a freak weather disaster in their direction thankyouverymuch.

All in all, it was a pretty amaze first night, although I kind of wish Rachel hadn’t worn those shoes. I need them in my life, and I’m pretty sure I could walk better in them than she did…

Change & Mr Barlow

So, it’s time for a change.

I haven’t had a blog in about 4 years, so this experience will be a delightful [sarcasm] throwback to when I used to sit up until 3am writing about my life. I was cool.

I’d like to use the word appropriate here. It is appropriate for me to start this blog right now, on a very unspecial night in October. The night is dirty, wet and chiller, and my emotions are a bit hit and miss, but I feel that now is the time. Maybe more on that another time when my feelings aren’t so raw and bloody.

I’ll start off by letting you know that I went to an album launch this week for a new artist called Camilla Kerslake, introduced by the one and only [sexy older man] Gary Barlow of Take That. Oh yes my friends. I got the pleasure of almost walking into him whilst looking for the ladies.

Gary introducing Camilla Kerslake

My friend [known on this blog as either Ginge, K-Mac or Colgate] and I were surprised at how attractive Barlow really is. Anyway, the night wasn’t about him. It was about 21-year-old siren Camilla Kerslake. We had the pleasure of hearing her sing live, and her brief 20 minute performance was mildly lifechanging.

Kerslake singing her version of Rule The World

To describe her voice in three words: powerful, honey, emotive. The room was full of goosebumped skin and teary eyes.

Posing for the paps

A beautiful evening. The free wine was a sexy plus.

We finished by going to Wagamama and getting one step closer to obesity. Number 42 for me please.